Love, selfishness, and eternity
by Tachyon II
Summary: Janeway and Lady Q are talking about the meaning of love. Q gives Janeway an opportunity to choose; she may return to her love for a moment or for the rest of her life. This story takes place in the timeline described in the book “Full Circle” by K. Beyer


It was a cold and rainy day on Ocras Island. The forest was silent; only raindrops dropping on tree-leaves and dark ground broke the silence that veiled the place. There was a lone man sitting on the ground, as motionless as the trees around him. He sat under the rain, his head lowered like he had been defeated and he was surrounded by the aura of loneliness and sorrow. The only living beings near him were the two crows who sat on a thick branch of an old pine, looking almost as miserable as the man beneath them.

"He is just sitting there", Janeway said with a voice unheard for human ear. The crow next to her heard her, though.

"Yes" the other said. "I told you there wouldn't be much to see, didn't I?"

"On the contrary", Janeway replied. "What I see is plenty; more than I imagined I would see and certainly something I did not expect."

"What did you expect then?"

"To be honest – I don't know."

"Well, now you have seen him and there he is. As you can see, he has isolated himself from the rest of his kind by disappearing in to these woods on this sad little island. There is nothing more than that."

"Your words fail to describe the truth of this. He is grieving."

The other crow ruffled raindrops off her feathers. "I am grieving as well. This is horrible", she told sourly. "This planet you love so much is overrated. I can name thousands of worlds more pleasant than this one."

"You are the omnipotent one; make the rain disappear."

"I don't meddle with such small issues", Q said.

"Then quit complaining."

"You have seen what we came to see here", Janeway´s moody companion reminded. "It is time to go."

"Not yet."

"This is not a topic of discussion, debate or casting a vote."

"Why are you in such a hurry? Eternity cannot wait?"

"As a non-corporal thing you have still quite an attitude. How… _human_ of you."

"You are talking me about an attitude?" Janeway asked. "You of all sentient beings? As far as I'm concerned, Q and sour attitude are one and the same."

"Look – you wanted to see him, this… special man of yours. There he is, sitting under a tree looking as miserable and defeated as Nalodenian possum in a mud pool. Now what? Why are we still here? Why is this worth of your attention?"

"It is rather ironic, don't you think?" Janeway asked then.

"What is?"

"That for an omnipotent being you have no idea of what is means to love someone. One could assume that there would be nothing beyond your comprehension, yet so true and genuine emotion as this escapes you."

"Oh please. Quit analyzing me, because you are failing miserably."

"I wish there would be something I could do for him", Janeway said like she had not even heard a word her companion had just said.

"There is not", Q answered. "Your life as a human is over, his life is not. Accept it; eventually he will do so as well."

Janeway looked her with her black crow-eye and snapped: "I wonder what was the phase in your evolution that finally made you unsentimental and when exactly did it happen."

"Quit being so melodramatic", Q said. "You humans put too much meaning into this love of yours."

"As I recall, your involvement with Q was not insignificant for you either", Janeway reminded. "You even came onboard my ship to find him and to get him back."

"Quit comparing my eternal attachment with Q with your trivial physical encounter with that being under there."

"Trivial physical encounter?"

"Let's see… you have known that man less than ten years, during which you two just sat on that little bridge of your little star ship for seven years, travelling through this little galaxy of yours. Then you stopped sitting on that little bridge of yours as you found your way on this insignificant and laughably ordinary planet of yours. On one ordinary day you finally executed this rather peculiar human mating ritual on a space station near this miserable planet. This… mating of yours, which for some reason has so much meaning for your kind, happened only once during the time you two have known each other, and now you claim your emotional attachment to him compares with my affiliation with Q?"

"You obviously know nothing about love."

"Love? Bah. What is love of a humanoid in the first place?"

"I feel sorry for you", Janeway said then. "If you really don't know what love is, I genuinely feel sorry for you."

"Oh please", Q said. "Love is only a chemical imbalance taking place in your small humanoid brain, throwing you out of balance. When you humans forget your primitive reasoning skills, you use that word to explain and justify all kind of questionable behaviour you conduct. All the other emotions you may have – hate, sorrow, and joy for instance – you always place them beneath this divine love of yours. When all other explanations fail, you swear in the name of love like it was an entity of its own."

"You simply don't know what you are talking about", Janeway said bluntly.

"If you really love him, why didn't you love him sooner?"

"Who's to say I didn't love him?"

"Did you?"

"Humans can love in many ways."

"Like that as well?" Q asked and pointed towards Chakotay with her black crow's beak. "That does not seem like a love to me."

"Why else would he be here?" Janeway asked. "He has lost his love."

"How egoistic", Q said.

"It has nothing to do with ego or self-admiration", Janeway pointed out. "If I was in his place, I would be broken-hearted as well. This is his way to cope with it."

"So what you are saying is that your love for that man goes beyond that one night of mating on a space station?"

"Obviously"

"I find it hard to believe."

"Why else would I have kept insisting seeing him?"

"Because you were bored in Q Continuum? Because you were curious to see what has happened after your "death"? Because you needed some kind of closure for your life before accepting what has happened to you?"

"This has only little to do with me."

"It has everything to do with you and your human selfishness. The problem with you is that you still think like a human. Wake up honey – you are not a human anymore."

"I am a human", Janeway corrected. "Physical body or not, I am still me. And I wanted to see him, because I love him. I _love_ him. And I am sad to see him like this and I am sad that I cannot be with him. I love him and I need to be near him. That is all there is to it. If you cannot comprehend this need, then there are no words I can say to make you understand it."

"I see. Can we go now?"

"No."

"We are going."

"Q!"

"I have had enough of this place. This ends now."

Suddenly there was a flash of white light and the next thing Janeway saw was her sitting in a bright white space again.

"Finally", Q sighed. "One more nanosecond of that and I would have become as depressed as that place was."

Janeway didn't answer. Q noticed that and crossed her hands under her chest.

"Just say what you are about to say", she told.

"Go away", Janeway asked. "I have had enough of you."

"Testy aren't we?"

"If I really have an eternity ahead of me, I rather start it by waiting Chakotay to join me than spend it with you."

"Yes, yes", Q said and rolled her eyes. "Because you _love_ him. You, you, you. There is one word that describes human love perfectly and that is selfishness."

"Love can be selfish", Janeway admitted. "But in its purest form it is more unselfish."

"Don't be ridiculous. And now you try to claim that your love for him unselfish, don't you?"

"It is unselfish."

"And that is a lie."

"I don't lie."

"Very well", Q said. "I can accept that you believe in what you are saying. But that doesn't make your love unselfish."

"Fine", Janeway sighed. "I don't need to spend my time here convincing you about this matter nor would I want to."

"You don't have to", Q told. "There is an easier way."

"What do you mean?"

Suddenly white light flashed in Janeway's eyes again and before she knew it, she was staring herself. It took few seconds until she realized where she was – in her ready room on Voyager.

"This is your life in another timeline", Q explained. "As you see, that person there is you and this is your ninth year in the Delta Quadrant."

"Ninth?"

"Yes."

"You have couple of choices now", Q said then. "You can either stay here in this timeline or you can return in Q Continuum."

"What kind of game is this?" Janeway asked. "What are you doing?"

"I am offering you a way to get your love back", Q told. "That was what you wanted, was it not?"

"Yes."

"Then here is your chance", Q said. "With a snap of my fingers I can make you to replace that woman behind the desk. So what is your answer?"

Suddenly Janeway heard the door chiming.

"Come in", her other self said.

The doors slid open and Chakotay walked in. "Captain", he said.

"Yes?"

"Here's the duty roster…"

"And freeze", Q said then and both Janeway's other self as well as Chakotay halted.

Q walked closer to them. "So this is love?" she asked. "This woman over here is in love with this man here."

Kathryn followed Q's steps. "It may not seem like that, but…"

"But what is this?" Q asked and pointed Chakotay's left hand.

Kathryn walked closer in order to see what Q had meant. She saw golden ring around Chakotay's ring finger.

"He is married", Janeway said.

"Yes he is", Q told, "but not with you."

"Seven…"

"Yes", Q confirmed. "But if you love him and he loves you, what does it matter? So if you want to stay here, you could be with him."

"I cannot."

"Why not? You love him, don't you? Didn't you just say that you need to be with him? Well now it is your chance."

"This is not a game Q", Kathryn told angrily. "And I don't belong in here."

"But he is here", Q said and tapped Chakotay's left shoulder. "He is the man you love, is he not?"

"Yes he is."

"So stay", Q suggested. "He is married, but if your love for him is unselfish, you can handle that. You wouldn't get in the middle of that, would you? But if he happened to show some interest in you… what would happen then?"

"Stop this Q!"

"Relax", Q said. "There is another option as well."

"And that would be?"

"You can go back to your own timeline and spend a moment with him in his dreams."

"Really?"

"Yes. If you don't want to choose either one of these two options, you will return with me to Q Continuum for good. So which one do you choose? Being here with him for the rest of your human live or to spend a moment with him in his dreams in the timeline you came from?"

Kathryn sighed.

"Yes, I would consider these options carefully as well. Just imagine how interesting situation you are being offered now. Here you would still have a chance to be happy with him", Q whispered in her ear. "The only thing that stands in your way is that ex-Drone of yours – his wife. But you would be able to be with him nonetheless. And who's to know what would happen between you two, if you would finally acknowledge your feelings to him."

"I wouldn't."

"Right", Q said. "Because your love is unselfish, right? But what if…. what if he had known sooner that you love him? Would he have married another woman? Would he still regret it, if he knew about your love? Think about it – think all the possibilities in this timeline. If you would stay here, you could have your answers to those questions. You would also remember your own timeline; remember what it felt like being with him. See – this could be an opportunity to make things right, to correct all the things left undone."

Kathryn thought about Q's words for a moment. She was tempted, of course. She wasn't very proud of it, but it was the truth. As she observed herself behind her desk, she realized she had lived a moment like this so many times in her own timeline as well – her hiding behind her rank and duty, no matter how much her heart ached to be with the man on the other side of the table. She had ignored the possibility there had been in front of her eyes for seven years, even though every time he had walked into this room she had known she loved him. And her other self in her eyes had done the same. She was a lonely woman who needed to get out of the cage she had created for herself. But she had never given herself a permission to find out just how deep her love for Chakotay would be and the result of that decision was here for her to see - Chakotay had married Seven.

"Decades here with him or three minutes in his dream", Q reminded then. "Or to return to Q Continuum with nothing. Your choice."

Kathryn observed her other self for another moment and she did not like what she saw. She had left this life behind her and she had no desire to return to this, no matter how much she was missing Chakotay now, or how much she had missed her crew after their return in the Alpha Quadrant in her own timeline.

"I take three minutes in his dreams", Janeway told then.

"You will?" Q asked. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"What about your unselfish love for him? Are you saying you couldn't live by his side, if you couldn't openly love him?"

"Actually I could", Janeway told, "and in that way my love for him is unselfish one. I love him enough to be happy for him, whether he would be mine or not. My decision has nothing to do with that."

"Then what?"

"I don't belong in here" she told. "Not anymore. That woman behind that desk is the one who needs to be here. She has made her choice and I won't take the consequences away from her. Yes – she might regret of losing him, but it has been her choice. She knows what she has done and she has accepted it. Accepting doesn't mean that she has to love the situation, but knowing myself as well as I do, she has found the way to see the good in it. So my place is not here."

"So you don't love and miss him enough to stay here beside him?"

"No, I love him enough to stay away", Janeway corrected. "And yes – it might have some selfishness in it, but nothing is purely unselfish in this universe. That Kathryn Janeway in this timeline loves her crew unselfishly, yet there is also her own will to survive pushing her forward. But her unselfish love for the crew is her main motivator. She is doing this for them. And what comes to her love for her first officer, I am sure she has found the balance", Janeway said and pointed her other self who still sat motionless behind her desk. "She has found the balance to deal with it and she loves being his friend. And she does not love only him – she loves Seven as well and she wishes her only the best. So if I were to be here in her place in this timeline, I cannot be certain that I could do the same because I know how it would feel to be loved by him and how much happiness it has brought to me to love him in return. So I rather take my three minutes with my Chakotay in my timeline. He is the man who loves me as much as I love him."

"Fine", Q said then. "Your three minutes starts now."

Then she snapped her fingers and in a blink of an eye Kathryn found herself in the forest on Orcas Island, watching Chakotay sleeping on the ground.

"This is his last night alone on this island", Q, who stood near them, told. "Tomorrow the former pilot of yours will arrive here with an old friend of his, and they have news for him that will change his life."

"Tom is coming here? What news?"

"Something that will finally change his mind about staying here on this island", Q told. "So he is leaving this island soon, which must be one of the wisest decisions he has ever made, I might add. But you have an opportunity now to contribute to what he takes with him from this place."

Kathryn understood what Q meant. She kneeled to him and touched his face. Her heart ached with longing. She loved this man so much and it was a cruel destiny to be apart from him. This was love in its cruellest form, but it was her love. It was all she had.

Suddenly Kathryn saw his face to disappear and almost instantly she found herself on a bed Chakotay beside him. The clock was ticking – she had three minutes with him in his dream.

"I don't want to fall asleep", he whispered.

Kathryn opened her eyes and touched his bare chest. She was with him on Proxima Station again; on that very bed they had made love almost a year ago. Everything had been perfect that night and to be here again made her heart turn into a knot.

"Sleep", she suggested with a whisper.

"I just woke up from a dream where I had lost you", he told. "And I don't want to see such a thing happening again."

"You will not lose me", she told and tears began to burn her eyes. "Not ever. I will always be with you."

Chakotay smiled and pulled her closer in his embrace. "I love you so much Kathryn."

"I love you too."

"And after the next ten months we will make this happen."

Kathryn swallowed. It would never happen, she knew that, but she didn't want to alarm him in any way.

"We should have done this sooner" she said then. "That is my only regret."

"Better late than never", he told softly.

"True", she agreed, "but we never know how much time we have."

"So let's not waste it by regretting something we cannot change."

"Agreed", she told him.

"You are so beautiful."

"So are you. I want to remember you just like this", she said.

"It is going to be ten months only", he reminded. "And since our mission is going to be a scientific one, there will be time for us to keep touch via subspace."

Kathryn smiled. "Just remember that I will always be by your side – if not in person, in spirit."

"Kathryn… you make it sound like we would never see again."

"We will meet again", Kathryn assured. "Just remember that I will always be close to you; that I will never truly leave you…"

And then the sight of his face started to fade away. Her three minutes were up. Kathryn felt like a part of her soul was being ripped away. She didn't want to let him go; the dream she had shared with him had felt as real as her time in Q Continuum. But she had agreed with Q and taken the three minutes she had been offered. And it was time for her to go… and it was time for him to continue his life.

* * *

"Kathryn!" Chakotay shouted and his voice echoed in the silent forest.

But it was in vain. All he was able to see were the tree tops above him.

Chakotay sighed and lowered his head on the ground again. His dream had felt so real. But now that he was awake and he knew Kathryn was gone, his heart felt heavy again. How long would it take to let her go? How long until the reality of his situation wouldn't hurt no more?

"_Just remember that I will always be by your side – if not in person, in spirit_", he still heard her words in his head.

"You are always with me", Chakotay sighed. "Always."

"_Just remember that I will always be close to you; that I will never truly leave you…_"

Suddenly Chakotay saw movement on the ground near him. He turned his head and saw a black crow. Instantly a strange feeling filled his heart and mind.

"Kathryn?" he asked.

The crow looked at him curiously.

"Kathryn?" he asked again, even though he knew how foolish it was. "Just say it is you", he sighed and closed his eyes.

"_Just remember that I will always be close to you; that I will never truly leave you…_"

Chakotay opened his eyes again and took another look at the black bird. And it was really there. Chakotay smiled faintly. The crow took few steps and it seemed like it would have nodded.

Chakotay's smile widened and tears began to burn his eyes. "I want to believe it is you", he whispered. "That the spirits have sent you here by my side again."

The crow cocked its head and turned its black eye on him. Chakotay took a deep breath and nodded. Finally the bird spread its wings and took off. Chakotay watched it as it flew away.

"_Chakotay!_" he heard then somewhere in the woods.

He recognized the voice at once.

It was Tom.


End file.
